


Doubt Comes In

by Anonymous



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Iroh (Avatar) is a Good Uncle, Ozai (Avatar) Being a Terrible Parent, Zuko (Avatar) Needs Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-14 21:27:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28677411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Zuko visits Iroh in prison. Iroh just wants Zuko to understand that he doesn't need to destroy himself to be worthy of love.
Relationships: Iroh & Zuko (Avatar)
Kudos: 38
Collections: Anonymous





	Doubt Comes In

**Author's Note:**

> English isn't my first language. I have no idea what this fic is supposed to be. I just find Zuko really relatable. Anyway, this fic is inspired by many things...

The first time was a surprise even though it shouldn’t have been. Iroh knew that Zuko would force himself to stay away despite his confusion and doubts because even when they were traveling together and Iroh showed him nothing but support and kindness, Zuko still pushed him away, believing he had to do everything by himself. He was held down by his own pride and his desire to prove himself. Iroh wanted to tell him so many times that Zuko had nothing to prove to him. But he knew the young prince wouldn’t listen to him. Even at the age of 13, delirious with a high fever from the infection and with a broken heart, Zuko believed that he had to be able to handle things on his own. 

Yet, he kept coming back to Iroh, often with regret softening his features because Zuko was filled by an anger that was impossible to control sometimes. He wasn’t always respectful or kind to Iroh but it was never his intention to hurt the old man.  He was never cruel, or did anything bad for the sake of being bad. There was just too much boiling up inside of him, too much anger, too much shame, humiliation... it was choking him, clawing up his throat to be let out. His hands would shake as he yelled at his crew, his uncle. His throat hurt as he let out that infectious ugly feeling yet as soon as he let go of himself, he would regret it. Because then anger was replaced with shame and  embarassment . Those were the moments he truly hated himself. He wasn’t the cool, calm and collected royal his father and sister were. He wasn’t the charismatic and powerful general his uncle was once. He was a failure. A shame in the history of their family. A child throwing temper tantrums. 

Iroh knew Zuko would be anger at himself later, for visiting his uncle. Because he would see this as a weakness. That was what his father and sister made him to believe. They tainted his mind with those ugly thoughts about himself. And maybe that wasn’t fair to Azula: the main difference between the siblings was that Azula was born with ambition and admiration for power. Those weren’t necessarily the traits that turned someone into a monster, an evil being, however, due to her fascination with power, she was drawn to their father from an early age. Azula was smart, way too smart, even when she was barely old enough to run around the beach of Ember Island. She knew Ursa didn’t have any power; everything was decided by their father, her father’s words were the law in their little family. She was slowly but deeply infected by  Ozai’s darkness during early breakfast talks, about power and war.  Ozai didn’t hold back and filled his little girl’s head with thoughts of the greatness of domination and war. Ursa pulled away from them quietly, wrapping her warm presence around Zuko like a protective shield even if she knew she couldn’t protect her son forever. She had her flaws but, in her defense, she was a young woman, stolen from her family and her love for her blood, constantly abused by her husband and had to give birth to two children through marital rape. She was afraid of her own children sometimes; she would watch them and imagine  Ozai’s tainted blood running through their veins. Zuko’s softness made it easier to love him. She still loved Azula whenever she saw her playing with her brother, not as rivals or enemies, but as siblings. But she was broken in her own way and she couldn’t get through  Ozai’s dark aura surrounding their daughter. She didn’t know how to reach her. 

And then she was gone. 

Azula could have turned out to be a lot different than how she was now, if she wasn’t so heavily influenced by  Ozai , if Iroh was around his niece and nephew more before Lu-Ten's death. If Azula didn’t see her uncle as a loser, a weak old man who lost his position as the Crown Prince or her mother a powerless, weak figure in their life. While  Ozai gave all his support to Azula to mold her into a perfect weapon for his own ideals, Ursa tried to made up for it by showing Zuko kindness and it maybe broke something inside Azula but was it fair to Ursa? Was it fair to Zuko or Azula? Nothing in this family was fair.  What was fair when  Ozai clawed Ursa’s wounds by telling her it was her fault that he was hurting Zuko? She was a trapped woman who loved her children in her own way, a desperate and hopeless woman who couldn’t find a way to save her children from this monster and only Agni knew where she was now. 

Those traits that were tainted and twisted by  Ozai were the reason Azula viewed her brother as a weakling. Not only because their father never shied away from insulting and humiliating Zuko in front of her but also because from an early age, Zuko didn’t share her desire and hunger for power, he had no ambition. His dreams were always way too childish for Azula to take him seriously. He would rather play in the gardens with their mother or spend his days in Ember Island with their uncle and cousin than perfecting his skills. He simply wasn’t born for greatness like she was. It was both a curse and a blessing. Zuko’s lack of interest in competition annoyed Azula, even when he tried, he was no match for her. This turned their father’s little competitions into cruel games because every time she beat Zuko and their father gave her praises while not even taking a second look at her disgraced brother, the shame and sadness in his eyes fed the monster growing inside her chest, that monster who wouldn’t stop until she won. And she did, several times. Her brother was pathetic because he was all raw power with no control, it wasn’t the power that he lacked, it was him being stupid for letting his emotions control him and his shame and humiliation holding him back from truly mastering his own element. It was funny to Azula because Zuko was too stupid to understand what his problem was, he was so convinced he was a terrible  firebender that his bending only got shakier and weaker because he didn’t want to bend anymore, he wasn’t afraid of the fire, he was afraid of the humiliation it brought to him.

It took Iroh so long to show Zuko that he had no reason to feel that way around him. Yet, Zuko still pushed him away when he felt cornered.  When he felt those feelings burying their claws into his heart. Feeling helpless, Iroh kept him close yet gave him space. He knew Zuko would eventually come back.

Like now. 

Iroh looked up to see the thick metal door of his cell open, his nephew walked inside and pushed his hood back. Their eyes met for a second, Iroh’s messy white hair falling into his eyes as he sat calmly on the cold floor. He saw Zuko’s eyes widen, one thing he was ridiculed for by his sister and father was his lack of control over his emotions. And Iroh saw regret, pain and guilt in his eyes before turning his gaze away from all the raw emotions showing in his nephew’s golden eyes. 

Zuko took two indecisive steps forward. The door slowly closed after him. The silence was heavy between them. Even during the first months of Zuko’s banishment, when Zuko treated him like he was a stranger, it was never like this between them. 

“Uncle.” Zuko’s voice was shaky. “I brought you tea.”

Iroh didn’t answer, he didn’t try to meet Zuko’s eyes again. Patience wasn’t his nephew’s forte. Zuko annoyedly put the tray on the ground, in front of the bars  separating them. He stood up again, fidgeting uncomfortably. 

“Aren’t you going to say anything?” He tried to sound normal. “Aren’t you going to give me another lecture?”

_ Aren’t you going to yell at me for what I have done?  _

Because no matter how different Iroh was from  Ozai , that’s the only way Zuko knew. In a sick and twisted way, this was Zuko’s penance. He came here expecting, hoping for, Iroh’s anger. He wanted Iroh to hurt him with his words, call him out, yell at him. 

The idea of Zuko coming here, wanting Iroh to hurt him to prove something hurt the old man more. 

“I gave you every advice I have. There is nothing more I can say to you, Prince Zuko.”  Iroh’s voice was deprived from any emotion. Zuko was struck by the distant, cold tone of his uncle’s voice. He felt that anger he would feel whenever he was walking around his ship, in the middle of nowhere, with shame burning deep inside his chest. No hope for him. 

“Don’t put the blame on me!” He yelled at his uncle, just like he would back then. “You are a fool for not joining me.”

Iroh looked up at Zuko, he couldn’t stop himself from showing the sadness that was planted in him. Was it too late? For both of them? Was there anything he could do for the boy in front of him? He always knew that at some point Zuko would have to make his own decision, he would need to take that big step alone. It hurt Iroh but he accepted their fate. Now a part of him was worried, did he  actuaolly do all he could? What if he did all he could, thinking it was enough but at the end, it still wasn’t enough? It was all up to the prince now.

Zuko huffed annoyedly. 

“Oh, please.” Zuko hissed. “Don’t give me that look. Would you really prefer me to be a refugee for the rest of my life? Did you want us to stay in a place that we didn’t belong to forever? Would you prefer Lee to Zuko?” 

His eyes were darkened with anger but Iroh was used to seeing that mask on Zuko’s face for the past 3 years. He wore it quite often around strangers. He wore it around Iroh, too when he felt vulnerable.  Even now, Zuko was masking his pain, his doubts and regrets with anger. Because if he lashed out at Iroh, then he could justify his actions with anger. If not, he would have to admit he was wrong and that guilt would destroy him. Because there was softness and hurt hidden behind that last question;  _ would you prefer Lee to Zuko? _

It hurt Iroh to see that Zuko was still haunted by the same doubt. The logical side of him knew that it was so damn hard to overcome years of abuse and abasement, Zuko spent his entire life trying to impress his father, hoping he would gain his father’s love and respect one day.  And here he was, still haunted by the idea of not being enough. Did he truly believe that Iroh was trying to turn him into a person he wasn’t just like  Ozai ? 

Ozai and Azula were right about one thing when it came to Zuko; he had a soft heart. He cherished being loved, he longed for approval, acceptance and love. He questioned his own actions, he worried, he cared. But unlike Azula and  Ozai , Iroh didn’t see that as a weakness. On the contrary, what strangled Zuko with shame gave Iroh hope for the future. Zuko cared about people, he worried about making the right decision. That was the base of his inner turmoil and hesitance. He didn’t just decide what he wanted, reached forward and grabbed it. That was why his every action was filled with doubt and shame. He wasn’t decisive and certain like the rest of his family. Zuko didn’t understand that it was normal, considering the circumstances and his young age, he saw that as a weakness, another source of shame. Where he saw weakness, Iroh saw the future. Zuko would make a good leader for their nation if he ever managed to find his path because Zuko didn’t have the stomach to destroy everything on his path to achieve what he wanted. He could try all he wanted, that wasn’t who he was. That’s why it always ended up in disaster when he tried to be cruel like his father. 

“I would prefer the boy you were once. My nephew.” Iroh answered simply, not falling for Zuko’s trap to anger him so that Iroh would prove him right by yelling at him. Because if he reacted like that, if he yelled at Zuko that he would prefer the boy he spent three years with to who he was trying to be under his father’s observing eyes, he would be like  Ozai . His good intentions didn’t matter, Zuko would take that as a betrayal to his trust and use it to justify his actions and anger. Iroh wasn’t going to give it to him and it wasn’t because Iroh was petty or cruel. He wanted Zuko to face it, he wanted Zuko to understand and choose the right path for himself. Iroh played his part in Zuko’s destiny, now it was his turn. He couldn’t use the old man to take the easy path. 

“I see.” Zuko’s face hardened as he looked down at his feet. “You are a delusional old man if you think I could ever be that boy again, no matter what happens from now on.” And of course, Zuko thought Iroh meant his nephew before the banishment. Because after that cursed Agni Kai, Zuko saw himself _ less _ , he saw a  honorless person, a child so unworthy of love. He didn’t understand how could anyone love the person he’s become. But oh, how Iroh loved that hurt boy with all his flaws and scars. “He’s gone, don’t you get it?!”

And maybe Zuko was telling this to himself more than to Iroh. Maybe he was trying to kill that last bit of hope inside of him. It was a painful thought, a heavy burden to carry; knowing you could never be the person you once were. But people change and they adapt. How could Iroh help Zuko to understand that he didn’t have to be that little naïve kid again for Iroh to love him? How could he tell him he didn’t have to be the perfect heir to be worthy of his father’s love? He was enough the way he was now. He wasn’t perfect, he was rough around the edges but Iroh still loved him the same. And if Zuko gave them a chance, other people would, too. 

“I don’t expect nor wish you to erase your pain, scars and suffering, Zuko. That would be an insult to you.” Iroh answered calmly. “You will never be that kid ever again. But I know who you are, I know everything that you went through and I know the person you have become. And I love and respect that person.”

Zuko’s eyes widened as he looked up to meet Iroh’s. The shock written all over his face, even after spending 3 years together, was enough to soften Iroh’s face.

“I don’t expect you to become that little kid anymore. It’s hard to overcome years of pain and suffering, I know that, Zuko, you know I do. And even then... you can never be the same.” He didn’t mean his words to hurt Zuko, even though it did, he was simply stating a fact. He could never go back to being that scarless, hopeful, wide-eyed kid again. He has seen too much and he has been through too much for that. “But I would rather you to be who you truly are, not the person you so desperately trying to be. The person your father wants you to be.”

“You don’t know me!” And even when Zuko pointed a finger at him behind the iron bars, with wide eyes and shaky hands, he knew that Zuko was faking his anger to hide the most vulnerable part of himself from Iroh. The part that Iroh just brought to light. Old man didn’t turn his eyes away from his angry nephew. During their times together in the last 3 years, he’s never flinched away from Zuko’s anger. And it wasn’t because Iroh was stronger and more powerful than his nephew. No, Iroh knew Zuko’s anger was all bark and no bite. He knew Zuko turned his pain and conflict into anger to protect himself from the darkness and nightmares that haunted him. He knew Zuko was confusedly angry at everything around him because he couldn’t direct that anger at his father, thus, it wrapped around his heart like poisonous vines, infecting him. If he let himself feel those depressing thoughts, he would give up and he would stop and then there would be nothing left of him. Yes, it was good at first, that path of anger. It filled him with rage, shadowing hurt and pain. It was comforting. But if you carried that anger in your heart for too long, it would leave a mark on your soul that would be impossible to erase. Zuko tightly grabbed that anger like a lifeline to protect himself, to keep himself alive and on his feet. He didn’t know how to survive otherwise. He was so close to the edge. 

Iroh was just afraid that Zuko would lose himself and his path in the embrace of that comforting anger. He just wanted his nephew to understand that he was here, Zuko could hold onto him. 

“Don’t I, Prince Zuko?” Iroh asked softly. He wasn’t going to mention how he stayed by his side all those years while his own father barely paid attention to him. It was unnecessary. “I know you desperately trying to kill the best parts of yourself to become the prince and heir your father wants you to be. I can see you are ashamed of what makes you so unique and  _ good _ , Zuko. Why would you do this to yourself for someone like him? You are not General Bujing, you will never be like him. You will never be that cold and heartless Fire Lord who orders his soldiers to walk to their death.” Zuko’s eyes were filled with unshed tears at the mention of 41 st division. Iroh never openly talked about what happened back then, not after Zuko spent months in that tiny bed, delirious from pain and infection and fever. It wasn’t only a terrible day for Zuko. It was a shameful day for Iroh as well. “I know our nation and your father made you believe that’s how a Fire Lord is supposed to be but Zuko...” Iroh wrapped a hand around to cold iron bar between them and leaned closer. “The thing that made your father hurt and banish you, the compassion he saw in you and claimed to be a weakness is what our nation truly needs.” He sighed softly as Zuko dropped on his knees in front of him, still too far away to touch and comfort. And maybe that wasn’t what Zuko needed right now, they were too close, Zuko had to see. He needed someone to show him. “I know you believe you have to be like your father to deserve the crown, to be a good leader to your people but who makes a better leader for our people than someone who burnt for them?”

Iroh watched as Zuko reached up with a shaky hand, a single tear rolled down from his good eye to his cheek, his fingertips sightly touching the scar. The permanent mark of his father’s cruelty. Not a sign of weakness as was intended by  Ozai , but a sign of courage and compassion. 

“Our people need someone who cares about them rather than a power-hungry man filling their heads with lies of greatness to convince them to a war.” He smiled softly at his nephew. “They need an honorable, compassionate and good-hearted leader.”

“But, I—” 

“And you are more honorable,  compassionate and good-hearted than your father could have ever been, Prince Zuko.”

“I—” But he was struggling to find the right words. And maybe that was all that needed to be said in that moment. Iroh sighed again, pulling away from the bars and turning his back to Zuko. Before he turned his head, he caught a glimpse of his nephew’s face; teary eyes with shock and pain written all over his young face. 

“Now I look at you and struggle to see that boy. You achieved your goal and returned home yet there is less of you than there was when you were banished.” Zuko flinched away as if he was woken up from a dream and stoop up almost violently. Iroh’s voice was filled with sadness. He wasn’t angry at Zuko, he wasn’t trying to hurt him. He wasn’t even disappointed. He was just hurt and sad because he was locked up here and Zuko was there with  Ozai to be manipulated and tainted by his venom again. He was afraid  Ozai would finish the job he started, beat and bend Zuko to his will until the young boy lost all of him in a desire to prove his father his worth and became nothing more than a cold, empty shell of the precious boy that he’s been once. 

Before, it was almost a blessing that  Ozai didn’t think Zuko to be worthy of his time but now, as the Avatar Slayer, Zuko would be weaponized by  Ozai , just like he did to Azula.

“I don’t need anything from you!” Zuko hissed but his voice was hoarse with tears. “What do you even know?! I gained my honor back; I am my father’s right-hand man and I made Fire Nation proud. You are caged here like an animal.” He kicked the tray he brought angrily, spilling warm tea all over the cold stone. “This was a mistake!”

Iroh heard him turn around and quickly walk toward the door. 

“You are wrong about me.” When Zuko spoke again, his voice was soft in a vulnerable way that actually surprised Iroh. It sounded more like he was trying to convince himself rather than Iroh. “There is nothing left in me to save.”

Then he closed the door after himself and left Iroh alone in the darkness of the cell.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, I am lanthimo on tumblr


End file.
